am i crazy?

graduate school. i've spent the last two weeks scrambling to assemble the various forms, recommendations, and manuscript to apply to one of the top graduate creative writing programs in the country. i'm fricking insane. but i'm doing it, anyway. historically, "insane" hasn't really been much of a deterrant for me. i won't find out the status of my application for a few months, i'm sure, but the process has already been surprisingly rewarding; and i'll tell you why.

deadline: i'm reminded of how productive i can be when i'm under the gun. i'd checked the university website last summer, and noted the deadline for fall 2010 as march. wrong. i checked back in mid-december, thinking i'd get a headstart, and BLAMMO! deadline is jan 1st. thank zeus i even checked, but i had two weeks to do what i thought i had three months' time for. i learned i can turn an idiot moment into several days of high energy and collaboration.

review: because the application required several pages of sample manuscript, i had a great opportunity to review my writing to date. i've occasionally revisited stories when editing for submission to various contests/publications, but i haven't really spent a concentrated chunk of time reading through most of my work. i gained confidence from the variety of styles and subjects i've attacked, and having several readers' comments to review also helped me see my strengths along with my weaknesses. a great exercise in self-evaluation i'd recommend, even if you don't have a deadline hanging over your head.

recommendations: i saved this aspect of the application process for last, because it brought me the most gratitude and pride, both in myself and the folks who agreed to send in their recommendation of my writing and me as a writer.
the university graduate program requests at least three letters of recommendation to accompany the other various forms in the application packet. i'm lucky enough to know very talented, dedicated (and fast-responding!) people who see something in me and my writing worth recommending. they've sent me copies of the letters sent in to the selection committee, and i'm proud indeed at their characterization of me as a candidate. a special friend who's spent time on various selection committees also helped me through the application process, advising me on my personal statement and clueing me in to how the procedure usually works, what to expect overall. powerful, grounding stuff. so much work to do, so much development yet to achieve, but i feel like i've accomplished something significant already just by getting this far.

so, am i crazy, chasing the unattainable dream? i mean, it's a top writing program. huge reputation. extremely competitive applicants. i dunno. but i'm gonna try--no point in regretting not even giving it a shot. and if i find out i'm not accepted, i can say i did my best to reach that particular step on the ladder. i'll keep writing and improving (hopefully), and i'll sell my first novel someday whether i have a masters degree or not. (but i really really want this degree to happen. so much to learn!)

here's to 2010, a brand new year and opportunity to both climb closer to reaching our goals and appreciate those who help us get there! *clink* (sips champagne)

run away! run away!

okay, yes. i am a dork for making my hackneyed monty python reference. but it fits.

last month i took on nanowrimo wiped out about two weeks in. i underestimated the time and energy my other obligations would take from the project, and as a result it bit me square in the ass. i made it to just under 24K; a healthy chunk of writing by most standards, so i'm not ashamed.

ah, but you ask me what lessons have i learned from this failure. i nod and stroke my beard, a pensive sheen to my eye.

i've learned i have limits, that even at full speed i can only go so fast, can grind at the stone only so hard. finding limits is important. i've discovered what conditions i definitely won't write under, that i need time to think along with time to write. that in a time crunch i actually do need a plot of some kind planned out, if only a rough sketch from which to jump off. and even under pressure, i can produce some decent scenes that will polish up nicely.

and here's the interesting bit: i'm continuing the project in january. a friend is attempting six 50k months in 2010, and i'm hitching along for one of them, hopefully reaching 50k at least, and optimally 75k or so. my schedule has settled a lot compared to november, so odds are closer to my favor than before.

so, here's to failure! may it be illuminating, as well as temporary.