how to respond to writing critiques

as a member of a few different writing sites, i interact often with other writers through critique. since one of the goals of critique is to offer suggestions for improvement, i think the natural tendency is to look for those spots, sometimes even at the expense of perspective. if we can't find something to fault, we feel we haven't done a thorough job of it.
that's a shame.
because critiques aren't just about what's wrong with a work, but what's right, also. how the elements fit together to tell the story as a whole is what we're all looking for, i wager--chances are, we understand better than anyone else our shortcomings as writers. feedback on the work's effectiveness all-around is most helpful, for me.
this approach to offering feedback requires mindful reading, of course. we have to read on a few different levels, and i usually need to read a piece at least three times before i feel familiar enough to offer an in-depth critique.

we read at line level:
surface SPaG issues
varied sentence lengths for rhythm and flow
appropriate word choices

at story level:
metaphor and symbolism
character
setting
description
voice
dialogue

and at message level:
theme
what is this story really about?
what is the writer's message?

if i receive a critique addressing my story purely on line level, i'm disappointed. but, sometimes a critiquer only has time to offer off-the-cuff suggestions, and i don't fault someone for trying to help. i'm ecstatic to have a reader!

if i receive an earnest critique from someone investing time and thought into their feedback, i feel honored. if i don't communicate some of my intended theme, or one of my metaphors is offputting, i take the opinion seriously because that person has given my story respect enough to pay attention, to take it in by its parts and as a whole. those critiques are invaluable.

here's what gets me, though. the critique offered in slapdash style, without consideration but with plenty of ego. this person is certain they understand exactly what i tried to accomplish, and will let me know exactly where and how i failed. on top of that, they rewrite sections of the story for my edification, to show me how i should have written a particular line, or scene.

this level of disrespect deserves a variety of responses, but in the name of professionalism and in the virtual world of internet community, how to let this person know your feelings without overstepping?

i always thank someone for reading my work. regardless of their reaction to the story, they've taken time from their day to visit my story, and i appreciate that.
i always thank someone for offering their feedback. in addition to reading, they've also made the effort to give me their opinion--without hearing from a range of readers, we don't know how our writing comes across. if we want to build a wide audience, our writing must be accessible. motivating readers to write in is wonderful, no matter their opinion. we've instigated a strong reaction--hopefully on the power of our writing and not the cannibal baby character sporting a swastika tattoo on his forehead. (that's a topic for another post.)
if a reader expresses confusion about a specific aspect of the story, i'll offer a quick explanation, and polite regret i didn't properly deliver in the story. as long as the tone of the critique is respectful, i'm happy to reciprocate.
when i receive the rare but memorable SOB critique adopting a bastard tone and useless, sometimes abusive opinions, i ignore it. this person has an agenda, and getting a rise is first priority. at most, i acknowledge receiving the "critique" and leave it there. getting into a back-and-forth with this kind of person never goes anywhere good, and honestly, some people are just nuts. better to let some other shiny object attract their attention--and it will, sooner than later.

no, for me, the worst kind of critique to receive is the well-intentioned but woefully misguided or clueless opinion. this person also feels certain, but isn't overtly rude about it. they're not stupid, but they're lazy. they miss basic plot points, or which character says or does what. and then they tell you how to fix your story, how to spell out every character's motivation, how to describe in painful detail each bit of setting, how to change your conclusion so everyone's happy in the end. this person wants to help, but they just don't get it. and if you tell them so, you're colored the defensive, angry writer who can't take honest criticism. so, what to do?

i still struggle with this. one one hand, writers have a shared responsibility to help other writers--almost a calling. we want as many well-crafted and meaningful stories out there as possible. not only do we gain from a higher standard as consumers of stories, we raise the overall bar. that's a good thing. along that line, i should do my best to help this misguided critiquer understand what i'm trying to do in this story, and how. that the doll's eye is a metaphor for how the little girl sees herself reflected in her mother's gaze, and is not just a piece of pretty plastic.
on the other hand, where do i draw the line between artistic cameraderie and suffering foolishness? do i risk the defensive rejoinder, the "i know you are but what am i" retort? indeed. who am i to educate someone not outright asking for it? that's disrespectful, no matter how politely i couch it.
so i thank them for reading and sending me their critique. i note what points i agree with (if any), and what points i respectfully disagree with, and i leave it there. if this person responds asking why i disagree, then that's an opening to enter into a conversation--one both parties are open to. i've had some great discussions beginning just this way. whatever comes of the exchange, i've shown this person the respect they deserve, and hopefully, i come away with another positive--a longtime reader.

in case you're interested in developing online partnerships with other writers, here are the writing sites i belong to:

www.scribophile.com -- free basic membership, site focus on writing and critique, "karma"-based system, vibrant and outspoken community. i've met some amazing writers and editors here. forums range from entertaining to exasperating, and can suck major time away from your day. forewarned. best overall writing site, in my opinion.

www.critiquecircle.com -- free basic membership, not as attractive or interactive as scribophile, but in my (so far) limited experience a solid site for obtaining feedback on writing. another point-based system to guarantee fairness in posting frequency versus offered critiques.

www.writing.com -- basic membership free, established a decade ago and bragging a HUGE member population, this site is a monster. not as focused on developing writing skills as socializing and participation in various themed groups, this site is easy to slip between the cracks unless you're comfortable with constant and widespread political massage. unlimited activities, including writing contests and workshops--and some are serious-minded. i've found a few stellar writers here amidst the confetti, and value them as much as i've met anywhere.