crisis of confidence

i mentioned i've been working on a story, editing with the help of a friend. i also mentioned i haven't done much editing (of my own writing) before, and the effect it's having on me is weird. for me.
one of my strengths as a writer has always been my sense of my self, my voice. i've struggled with plenty of aspects of writing--pov and tense, for two--but i've never had trouble deciding how i want to say something. the words just come.
well, until now, they have.
this editing is getting under my skin. i second-guess choices, fuddying around with minor phrases, writing and rewriting sections of story much more than i ever did. i'm a little rattled. as sure as i have always been, i'm now unconfident about how to express myself, and that leaves me dreading writing altogether. oh, i've been working on this story, and just fought my way through another flash piece, but make no mistake, it was a fight.
i need to find a way back to the flow. to the writing to just fucking say it and not doubt every word i wrench from my brain. argh. damn this editing! and thank god for it.
maybe this is the next natural growth spurt, accepting my faults, seeing my skills clearly and without ego . . . maybe? or maybe i'm all ego right now, rubbed raw by an outsider reworking my own words, smoothing over where i felt i wanted emphasis. well, either way i'll be back to report on the situation.

here's a succinct article on methods to build confidence with writing:
http://www.writergazette.com/articles/article306.shtml

writing versus rewriting

i'm working on editing and rewriting chunks of a story this week. i'm to send it off to my editor/publisher friend this weekend, integrating various suggestions and brainstorms we came up with last conversation. i've never written to a specific goal before.

starting a new story is exhilarating, freeing, godlike in its power. we create something from the wispy synapses firing away in our brains, and if all goes well, that something we create comes out as something wonderful and infects whoever reads it with more wonderful. of course, our creations aren't always fabulous, and what we infect readers with sometimes is closer to bacteria than cotton candy love and puppy dander socks.

so, here i am, editing. reworking. my stories are almost all first drafts, dropping onto the page still sealed inside their placental sac, smelling of earthy life and promise, and now, i'm breaking the seal, splitting the membrane. i'm risking infection for the greater promise of growth.

i'm hoping this new effort results in an even stronger story, deeper and complex, and so far have ignored that niggling voice in the back of my throat warning me i may be killing it altogether. after all, i'll always have the first draft. right? i don't think this story is changed irrevocably, or that adding new scenes, developing side characters, further defining the protagonist will erase the earlier incarnation. i don't think it will.

if you're interested in reading this story when it's finished, visit www.ruthlesspeoples.com and subscribe to the publication. first issue is march 1st!!

new feature: prompt mondays!

hey, all--
i've decided to import a regular activity i enjoy from my writing workshop site: writing prompt mondays!

i post a weekly writing prompt--could be an image, a snippet of dialogue, a link to a video; whatever strikes my fiddly fancy--and if it crawls into your pocket, let me know. if you actually write something inspired by the prompt, definitely let me know! i'd love to read it.

so, to start off, today's fantabulous nugget of promptitude: http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=93344

follow the link and see what happens. this image had me thinking all sorts of thoughts: creepy and outside of time, and (to me) provocative.

state of the paid word

seems like the publishing industry changes quickly these days. everything from publisher return policies for trade stores to burgeoning formats available to readers just bursts from the headlines.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-book_reader
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSBNG35703020081216
http://editingpublishing.suite101.com/article.cfm/podvstradpublishing1
http://opengardensblog.futuretext.com/archives/2008/06/the_future_of_t_1.html

the old dream was daunting enough. we clung to the fantasy of receiving that phone call, like the one Stephen King received from his agent. you know the one. we knew the odds were against us, that chances were, we would never see major publication, or print publication, or any kind of publication, really. but we slogged on, writing and fretting and networking and fantasizing.

but now, with the framework changing, with this shift in responsiblity from publisher to writer, with the radical changes in digital technology, the entire world is different. chaotic and free, and frightening.

publishers are required to narrow their focus, to offer fewer chances to unknown writers (and smaller paychecks), in order to stay afloat. each new title on the shelf should hold within it the potential for blockbuster status. that squeezes out a number of niche writers.

bookstores buy from centralized distributors, higher quantities allowing them better discounts, and this squeezes out smaller publishers.

that leaves two branches to crawl out upon. one, pursue major publishers with the knowledge that reaching contract is slim odds at best, or two, pursue publishing on a smaller scale and accept that we'll be carrying the bulk of the load of marketing and finances. in addition, small-scale publishing makes for a harder road as far as getting that word out, selling copies. access just isn't there unless writers create it themselves.

the stereotype of the reclusive, eccentric writer is a bygone. now, writers need to be savvy and make for a good interview. witty and attractive, in addition to developing their writing. writers need to be salesmen, and that's a new wrinkle. at least, the weight of importance has increased. if the odds were slim before against making a living as a published writer, what are they now?

with choices like these, i still have to opt for the larger publisher. the industry is dicey, like the rest of the economy right now (discretionary products feeling the effect in particular), but i have to think publishers' survival instinct will push them to integrate digital technologies into their stable, to help the writers under contract adapt and thrive in this strange new world filled with clicks and whirrs.

it's a big world and we're pretty small, unless we consider the world without us.

i said i'd explain about the dull yellow eye next post, didn't i? it's kind of the perennial question isn't it? why writers who like dark subjects like them? i've never thought up or read an answer to that question i identified with, but here are a few other writer's answers:

"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk." Stephen King

"Horror fiction upsets apple carts, burns old buildings, and stampedes the horses; it questions and yearns for answers, and it takes nothing for granted. It's not safe, and it probably rots your teeth, too. Horror fiction can be a guide through a nightmare world, entered freely and by the reader's own will. And since horror can be many, many things and go in many, many directions, that guided nightmare ride can shock, educate, illuminate, threaten, shriek, and whisper before it lets the readers loose." Robert McCammon

"Horror is that which cannot be made safe -- evolving, ever-changing -- because it is about our relentless need to confront the unknown, the unknowable, and the emotion we experience when in its thrall." Douglas Winter

for me, horror allows the most freedom in exploring what frightens us. other genres follow rules of accepted character types, story structure, appropriate subjects and writing style. horror feels wide open. any topic, no matter how taboo, can be poked and pulled out into the light of day. every other genre fits inside horror, as well. any style, voice. the only stipulation is that the story must pay off with a scare or sense of dread, or even nausea (if that's your bag.)

i write about all sorts of situations. i may incorporate a romantic element into my sf/adventure story if it feels right. my characters may cavort nekkid through a field of flowers to discover they've stumbled into the pasture containing Big Bongo, the mad randy bull of Cucamonga. as far as i'll take my story from reality, i always return. horror is rooted in reality, and i always feel that connection to the darkness.

so, the dull yellow eye cracks open. evil is all the more terrifying for its sentience.

i have ten minutes

to outline my reasons for starting this blog. jeebus.

#1: i'm a writer. writers have blogs. ergo, the dull yellow eye is born.

hm. i've just used up seven of my ten minutes. maybe my goal should be to have a new reason each week for keeping this blog alive. new exercises, book reviews, writing prompts, stories about my adventures in writing and publishing . . . i like it. starting today--this very minute--the dull yellow eye has a purpose! *thunder claps*

oh, and here's a solid article about the benefits of writer blogs:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35789/the_top_ten_reasons_writers_should.html?page=1&cat=9


next entry: i explain about the whole dull yellow eye thing. (or, if you don't wanna wait, scan down to the mary shelley quote at bottom. but then, there's more to it. there always is, isn't there?)

good night, all, and good writing.